August 28, 2012

I don’t know what to think. Yesterday, I went online and the boy next door was online too. I wanted to talk to him, but I over think everything too much. I was thinking what if he talks to neighbor 2, what if his friend talks trash about me to him, what if he doesn’t feel the same way. I was thinking if he never tells his friend that he talked to me, what if he starts to like me. I ended up battling between my head and my heart. My head was saying don’t talk to him. My heart was saying that I should forget everything and talk to him. I ended up not talking to him. But I decided today that I will talk to him the next chance I get, no matter what I think of. I will talk to him and forget the rest. 

Today was the student council induction. Guess who was on the student council and is a senior. Yeah, the senior I took french with. He was really cute. I was with two friends of mine and he kept looking my way. I know this because I caught him. He tried to come over various times, but failed. So, I decided to do the first move, but nothing too drastic. I looked over at him and I caught his eyes already looking at me and gave him a smile. When he smiled back, I said hi. He said hi and how was I doing. I know it wasn’t a long conversation how I’d like. But its our first conversation outside of french class since last semester, before summer. And during the induction, he was sitting in the row of chairs behind me, toward the stage. I had to look at the stage to look at the speaker and I caught him out of the corner of my eye looking at me, at least three times. The rest of the times, it could’ve been in my way. I sorta like him. He is very good looking.

So far, this year has been great. This is going to be my year. I keep getting attention that I never did before. I feel better and look better. I am very dedicated this year. I asked myself during the summer “Who do I wanna be?” and I answered various things, including the very important one, myself. Then I said “Then what’s holding you back?”. I decided to be more of myself and not care what others think. I accomplished the first part, but the one about not caring, I’m still having trouble with. Well, its a part of high school to care too much about what people think about you. But at least I’m working on it. I’m also working on not over thinking too much. That one is a big challenge. I told Carly all the thoughts I had yesterday. She said that I over think WAY too much, more than she does or anyone she knows. Well, its a part of who I am. I’ll try to make it better, but its me. I can’t change who I am and I over think too much.

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